The day I became internet famous!

I love the internet. I'm addicted to facebook right along with everyone else. I am on it 2 hours a day. I would much rather shop and use the the internet, pay bills, download music and everything else it has to offer. Even a couple of times it has "put me on the map." Here are two examples of my internet fame.

1. When I was a kid my favorite movie along with Star Wars was the cinematic masterpiece The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. The internet allowed me to find the soundtrack on LP after a 15 year search (and not even on ebay either). I illegally sold copies of the soundtrack on ebay for 2 years before they shut it down (hundreds of dollars for me) and even was contacted by 3 stars of the movie after I created a fan site that is still at the top in google searches.

http://www.geocities.com/johnny_mongoose/pisces

Not too big, but a pretty cool thing and done purely out of love for a basketball movie based on disco and your "sign." Dr. J still rules though no matter what you say.

2. The second one happened last week. It has many layers, but I walked around with a smile on my face thinking about it and laughing out loud when I think back on it. Here is the backstory and rundown.

Bill Simmons is a writer for espn.com and is by FAR the most read sports writer on the internet. He is one of the interent success stories and is featured on the front page of espn.com with his picture, does podcasts with famous guests, and has basically carte blanche to write about anything since people will always read it. I have read him since 2001 when he came to espn (because I worked in a cubicle and surfed the internet all day instead of work).

Anyway, he has these articles once a month or so called his "mailbags" that have readers email him questions, thoughts, and situations that he comments on, some about sports, some on pop culture, others just off the wall. He receives literally thousands of emails a day and it is like a huge event to some if they make his mailbag or get any kind of shout out from Simmons. One guy even broke down the levels of email return from him...

Level 5 - No response
Level 4 - Response - one word or small sentence in all lower case
Level 3 - No response but uses something from the email from "a reader"
Level 2 - He shortly addresses or answers your email in a podcast or mailbag
Level 1 - He puts you in a mailbag and it is a "featured" question that gets much debate

This is how I got to level 1...

Here is the question I sent it and then let me break it down for you.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090401

To clear the air, let's just say this didn't happen to me and this isn't on my phone. A couple of people even called me to check. This is one of those things that I thought about based on real events, put myself in the situation, and then responded (or thought about) how I would have reacted in that situation. I do this all the time, but this question was the perfect case for a Simmons mailbag. I did know people who went to this event and put pictures up of it and I was thinking "why didn't you grab your phone." I just wrote it as a first person event to make it better and so he would answer.

I have written Simmons 3 times over the years, and I guess the third time is definitely the charm. The first, no response. The second, I got to level 4 when I dressed him down for not including The Sandlot in a list of greatest baseball movies, bringing in the whole playground concept of sports. He wrote back "you're right, great movie." You saw the third. Now let's break this down Dr. Jack style of the impact of my "question."

This article was featured on the front page of espn.com in the big box with pictures. Millions and Millions of people hit this site everyday. The pictures were based on MY email. Let that sink in. This is what was up (along with a picture of Nicholson, Pacino and Hackman I couldn't get to load)

Nicholson, Hackman, Pacino. Three voices you'd love to have on your answering machine, but those guys aren't the No. 1 choice on Bill Simmons' list. Get the answer and a lot more in Part 1 of the Sports Guy's Mailbag

• ANOTHER picture based on my email was in the mailbag with Morgan Freeman and an acknowledgment of my choice
• Simmons actually AGREED with me for voicemail and person. He is notorious for his own opinion, but he didn't have much to add. Score.
• He formed a list of others and went with my email on a tangent. Again major level 1 stuff here.
• He called me Barnz. On espn.com. Hype that.
• He did butcher Fayetteville (even though it is a major college town)
• OTHER readers chimed in with response to what I wrote.
• It will be forever in the archives as a heading for mailbags past (blah, blah, and celebrity voicemails)
• There is a joke that if you get into a Simmons mailbag, you can use it as a pick up line in bar. Obviously pure deperation and sure not to work on any normal girl, but maybe this is what God has had me waiting for. Nothing else has worked.

Remember, thousands of people try to get in this thing, and I did it. Internet famous, if only for a day.

Lastly, the possibility that Morgan Freeman comes on a podcast (a dream guest of Simmons) and he Bill inquires about it and Freeman says he never did such a thing, then he goes on a tirade about this "Barnz jackass" in his Godly voice. Then I could download THAT and have it as my voicemail. Even better.

This would be like writing an editorial to USA today and getting published or having your video win on "Americas Funniest Home Videos." National stuff. And from my favorite writer on the interent. Good day for Barnz.

People & Travel

I just recently got back from a trip to London for Spring Break. If you care about the trip or want to see pictures, go to facebook and take a look. Otherwise, bask in some random thoughts of things seen and discovered on my journey...

• I find it funny that we go through all the airport security, they can confiscate things such as fingernail clippers and can openers, but a lady waiting to get on my plane is OK to bring in her pair of foot long, metal, sharp pointed knitting needles. She was seriously sitting there going to work on a shawl, inviting any terrorist to make a shish-ka-bob out of the crew. Surreal.
• Little kids talking in an English accent NEVER gets old. Calling each other "mate" and using phrases like "jolly" and "spot on" makes the heart warm.
• The French suck. Still.
  
• Why do people traveling on the subway hurry to the side of the platform to get on the car first and then when on the train before it stops, get out of their seat and stand with their face 2 inches from the glass waiting on the door to open. Are we in that big a hurry? I mean the train runs on a schedule right...we are all getting to and from at the same time right? These are the same people that walk up an escalator. Take the friggin stairs.
  
• When boarding a plane, why do people hover at the gate hoping to get on the plane first? I mean we are all leaving at the same time right? (See above)
• I was asked to take people's picture 5 different times in 3 different languages in 2 days.
• If your country is known for dishes such as Fish N Chips, Bangers & Mash, pickling things, and Spotted Dick...it's time to update the menu.
• Winston Churchill smoked 8 cigars a day from the moment he woke up, ate a lot, worked from his bed for 2 hours a day, and loved to drink scotch, would it surprise you he lived to 90. In your eye Hitler.
• Absolute True Story: When passing by a gentleman in the Chicago airport looking at the "departures" screen, he exclaimed "do they show the times when these planes leave on here." How do these people survive in life. I laughed out loud at him.
• I haven't flown on a big plane for awhile, but when I walked through first class they had these:

That is the first class "suite." It lays down, has ipod jacks and is your own little pod with no one else around. The last time I went to London I was upgraded to "upper class" which was literally up a circular staircase (on Virgin Atlantic) and had huge legroom, pheasant for lunch, and your own movie screen. This was above first class 10 years ago, now it is an exit row in coach. Progress is good if you can afford it.

• I have had the misfortune of many delays flying standby over the past several years. I have stayed the night in airports, had to call in and use a vacation day since I couldn't get home the day of work, had to wear a suit and tie for 2 days straight travel (one way), been cleared on the third flight only to miss the message because I thought the plane was full and was at McDonalds, and the day that I got up tried to get on the 6AM flight on a straight leg from Atlanta to Houston only to get on the 11:30PM flight after being bumped 11 times in a row. Therefore I found pleasure in flying home for 24 travel day (London to Tulsa, then drive home). I was a PAID ticket but was forced to "volunteer" to take the next plane because the jet was "overweight." Now mind you (to steal a joke) they didn't take anyone off that was fat, obese, or had 2 or three bags, just the ones that had the lowest fares. (I guess this can be looked at as I got a good deal) There were literally empty seats open. Anyway, there were 3 guys on this list, one person didn't show, and because I was traveling alone and the 2 others were together, I was literally the last person on the plane. Some good luck finallyin travel. This meant I would have spent the night in Chicago and flown home when it was snowing heavily the next day, which means (with the drive) who knows when I was going to get home. Oh yeah, the other two guys who didn't get on: preists. Full on wearing their collars and all. I said "sorry fellas" when I was walking down the jetway, but the guilt lasted about 2 seconds. Flying blows.
• Flying round trip, souveniers, food, lodging, and buying clothes was all less than $1000. Pretty, pretty good.
  

Shuffle Songs (codeword: people)
Phorever People - The Shamen
Ordinary People - John Legend
Street People - Breakin Soundtrack!!!
Games People Play - Alan Parsons Project
Invasion of the Octopus People - Invisibl Scratch Piklz


Weight: 186
(that means I didn't gain any weight on a whole week of vacation!)

Cheers to 20!

Weight: 187

Starting off with this instead of ending because I loved looking at this number when I stepped on the scale the other day. If you follow the other posts, that means 20 lbs. down since January. The sad thing about it is that I am just back at my normal weight. That is how out of hand it was. I plan on hitting it hard and working out, cleansing, and dieting until I am in the low 170s, ready for summer.

Also, if you check the other posts for this as well, 2 of the five things I dug most about getting last year in 2008 had some head to head battles. My glasses and my dog. I'll let you figure out who won and ate the other. Not happy about that one, he may move down the list soon.

The "cheers" part is because I am happy about the weight loss, but also that I am out of here today to go to London!! I am very excited since last time I was in town for like 12 hours total. I got to see a tour, the wax museum, hit a couple of spots, but that was it, very rushed. I can't wait to ride the London Eye, see the War Rooms, browse around carefully, hit a pub, and see my good friend Kym Brinkley. I especially need the vacation too since I worked 15 hour days pretty much all of last week. I know people put in long hours, but when part of those hours are having classroom maintenance, yelling at kids, coaching, and standing on your feet 3 different times for 5 hours at a track meet, well that makes you even more tired. Couldn't have come at a better time.

Have a good Spring Break....

Playlists

Here's a post in the midst of 12 hour workdays and the daylight saving me one hour out of my precious weekend. I had the chance to DJ/MC a Younglife walk-a-thon the other day with my good friend Brian Dandy (read: Saturday at the butt crack of dawn when it was 25 degrees out) and came up with songs with "walk" in them. I also branched out with some "foot" "step" and even added some training montage sequences courtesy of the Rocky soundtracks. This got me thinking (and I have even broken this down in my posts) that if you narrow your playlist down with keywords or a theme, how good can it be? This is a true test of a great DJ and ...This my friend is your answer, (and pretty sure that this will be a recurring theme in more posts):

Walk-a-thon songs:
1) Walk This Way - Run DMC w/ Aerosmith
2) Walking in Rhythm - Blackbyrds
3) I Would Walk 5000 Miles - Proclaimers
4) Walkin on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
5) Walk It Out - DJ Unk
6) Walk Like an Egyptian - Bangles
7) Boots Are Made For Walkin - Nancy Sinatra
8) I Walk The Line - Johnny Cash
9) Walk of Life - Dire Straits
10) Walkin in Memphis - Marc Cohn
11) Walk on the Ocean - Toad The Wet Sprocket
12) Footloose - Kenny Loggins
13) Don't Walk Away - Jade
14) Aint No Half Steppin - Heatwave
15) Put One Foot in Front of the Other - Mickey Rooney (from Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Nice right? So what else could we do? I have done them all....weddings, 80s, 90s, Disco, Hip Hop parties, junior high dances...you name it. But those are mostly genres and events. Halloween comes close with of course Thriller and Ghostbusters in there, but when you pull classics out to mix in, you have made some magic. (Wait until my October posts and you'll see the full lineup) One of my favorite things that draws me to certain songs is the way they transport you away, and I label these "thinking songs." These can be any kind of song, many times acoustic or slow, but can be any genre or era. These take you immediately out and you start daydreaming when it catches your ear. My best example is I could never hear "Crash" by Dave Matthews for about a year without falling into a trance. Still love it. Many of these are great road songs and will be different for each of you. So without trying to read minds, here is my assembled list for driving songs (with car, drive, etc) in the title that you need on shuffle next time you hit the road.

Driving Songs:
1) Drive - The Cars
2) Bus Driver - Caedmons Call
3) You Drive Me Crazy - Britney Spears (especially when you go 3+ hours or are with females)
4) Cars - Gary Numan
5) Cruisin - Smokey Robinson
6) Life is a Highway - Rascall Flats
7) Highway to Hell - AC/DC
8) Highway to the Dangerzone - Kenny Loggins (double Loggins!)
9) Ventura Highway - America
10) Tha Crossroads - Bone Thugs
11) Convoy - CW McCall
12) Take Me Home Country Roads - John Denver
13) Holiday Roads - Lindsay Buckingham (theme from Vacation!)
14) On The Road Again - Willie Nelson (naturally)
15) Knight Rider Theme Song
16) Posse on Broadway - Sir Mix-a-lot (for roll up speed)
17) Lowrider - War
18) Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
19) Eastbound and Down - Jerry Reed
20) Theme from Cannonball Run

Did I miss any? Let me know...

Weight: 190

Things I Just Can't Do

Sometimes when you trudge through life, you sit there and realize that "Hey...I kinda suck at this." Now I could go on a rant about not being able to sing, hit a baseball or pick up women, but that might need to wait for another day. No, I'm talking about those little things that come in everyday life that are fairly simple, yet befuddles me to no end. I could list Auto Repair, but many people fall into that boat and it is really not all that easy. I may have 2 college degrees and more common sense than the average man, but even these menial challenges leave me perplexed.

1. Gum chewing. I am one of the world's worst smackers and quite enjoy annoying people with my yak impression. The gum rarely stays in my mouth and flies around like a lizard's tongue as I suck it in and out over and over. I elevate the smacking and slurping noises to unheard decibels and pop mini bubbles very sloppily. Mostly, people just stare and look at me like I'm a burn victim. (I have kinda accepted this one since it replaces my old spit habit. Just imagine me with a semi loogie, slurping it in and out super fast. Once after a bag of Skittles at a Jr. High football game I went down below my knees and back in my mouth. Proud moment.)

2. Talking on the Phone. A) I can only talk with my left hand and left ear. Otherwise I get Vertigo. B) I get bored with ANY conversation after about 4 minutes. C) I can't multi-task while on the phone. This means no TV watching, listening to music, folding clothes, driving...nothing. I seriously have to sit in silence with the TV off if I have any chance of concentration. (I do text like the wind though)

3. Laundry. One of the easiest and laid back of the house chores. I usually stockpile my clothes for 3-4 weeks until I am out of boxers and attack it all at once. I ALWAYS destroy one piece of clothing or shrink it down to GI Joe size. It then takes me about 2-3 days to finish from hamper to folding and putting away. I get distracted. And if there is a stain or delicate item in there, forget about. I call Matteo.

4. Tie a Tie. I was harshly remembered this the past weekend when I was riding down to Little Rock and tried the Windsor knot for about 45 minutes until I snapped and went with old faithful: the parallelogram knot. It is my specialty, with a medium sized knot that starts at one collar and slopes downward at a 45 degree angle and has mismanaged lengths of the fat and skinny ends. We tried to dissect the big fat knots (like they wear on espn), the triangle shaped ones, skinny knots, and mentioned something about "swooping it back" in there. We had pictures and directions too. No avail. Whatever. The worse part of all of this is I used to wear a tie to work everyday.

5. Opening Things. This is really the whole inspiration for this post, seeing that I just destroyed everything that came in my mail today and opened a perforated bag of chicken strips that was still sealed after I tore down the line. I absolutely murder every package in my path and I might as well have two feet attached to my wrists to kick around things instead of ripping boxes, bags, and envelopes to shreds. If I call in help from a knife or letter opener I just end up lancing myself or stabbing furniture. The all time worst is the heavy plastic melted together package that batteries and small gadgets come in. Now think about this for a second because this has sharp edges, is impossible to break through (you may need a knife!) and the item inside is delicate, electronic or small and you may damage it. This is like the perfect storm for destruction of said item. Coming in second is cereal which I love but refuse to buy for this one reason. First, I can't open the box top with any hope that the sweet "cardboard buckle" will ever work again, but then the sneaky inner layer of hot fused wrapping that holds the cereal itself. You know where I'm going......CHOCOLATE CEREAL RAIN all up in my kitchen as I destroy the bag like Hiroshima. Someone please help me.....


Shuffle Songs: Key word: can't
I Can't Wait - Nu Shooz
Can't Stop Loving You - Phil Collins
If I Can't Have You - Yvonne Elliman
I Can't Stand The Rain - Eruption
Can't Get You Outta My Head - Kylie Minogue
Just Can't Get Enough - Depeche Mode

Old Pet Peaves

Hello friends. I have been out of pocket for a short spell, but all is not lost as I am back and angry as ever! Not in a good mood right now for a couple of reasons, but I found this on my very old website and it made me laugh, because nothing has really changed about this in 8-9 years. New comments in parentheses, check it out:

My Biggest Pet Peaves
1. People That Interrupt Me When I'm Talking
I'm not a BIG talker. I am a great listener. So when I do talk, why do you just sit there with baited breath getting the next thing you have to say ready in the on deck circle in your head and then blurt it out mid sentence? Have some respect, pay attention if I am confiding enough in you to actually speak with you. Interruputers I HATE. I shouldn't, but I HATE. (Rule #1 in my class)

2. Morons Behind the Wheel
If you drive this doesn't need explanation. You've seen the stutterers who can't decide to go and hold up traffic, the left lane lazies who go 55 in the passing lane side by side a diesel up a hill for 4 miles, the jerk who is the only car coming while you are waiting and doesn't use a turn signal before he turns by you and gives you a dirty look, the truck straight off the farm, 18 wheelers, the elderly, middle age women, and people with their lights on during the day. And people on their cell phones or texting. (The main reason I went and lived at the Motel 6 in Russellville for 2 weeks to get certified to teach Driver's Ed. My goal is to cure the world of crappy driving)

3. Non Flushers
Your a human and you can't exterminate your own waste with a simple switch of a lever. You are the lowest lifeform on Earth. (I can't get over how this ever happens. You don't have 1 second to bend over. Seriously)

4. Oklahoma
Save a few good friends I have from there and the city of Tulsa, please nuke the reservation and send me the ashes to line my firelplace. (I basically hold my breath for 4 hours every time I go to Dallas)

5. Space Eaters
The guy who siddles up to you at the urinal and tries to start conversation when there are 6 more empty stalls not right next to mine, the people who walk the same speed as you right next to you no matter where you are going, and movie patrons who sit right in front of you when you are the only people in the theater. (I am a magnet for these people)

6. Critics
Not the paid ones, just the geniuses who are janitors by day, sports coaches and movie producers by night. The guys who gripes at every play, every substituiton and swears he could do better. The people in the movies that talk the entire time about every little detail and then give their 2 cents about it all. These jokers have paid their price and are entitled to their opinion, just don't do it in my ear. Also this covers everybody who gripes at most anything, but will never be creative and actually DO something, they just like to rip on everyone elses stuff. (Special shout out to the middle age woman that sits right next to us at Razorback football games who we've dubbed "Coach"....because she played lots of football in her time)


Yesterday I woke up at 4:45, arrived at school for off season volleyball, worked out afterwards, changed for school, taught a full day, planned for an observation I had today after school, and then kept score of a junior high girls basketball game until 8:15. The I came home ready to collapse and found 3 piles of crap on my living room floor. 1st time for my dog in the house (no more soup bones for awhile). Long Day.

Weight: 194 (even though I have worked out and ran for almost 2 weeks) Gonna be a slow process....

25 Things

Lately going around facebook is the "25 Random Things" people are doing. I usually stay away from chain mails and adding 1000 applications and what not, but since I needed an entry and didn't really have anything, here ya go.....

25) I have double jointed thumbs. I've never been pinned in thumb wrestling.

24) I never had armpit hair until I was about 20. Pretty sure that's not a big deal since I'm glad now all those early physical developers have a cape of back hair and I'm clean.

23) I know an amazing amount of music and can tell songs within half a second, but I'm pretty sure I don't know the entire lyrics to any one song.

22) If I had to seriously sing in front of a crowd that would probably be the most embarrassing thing for me, I'm hideous vocally. However, I will sing like Michael McDonald in karaoke at the drop of a dime.

21) My favorite pop tarts are cinnamon sugar. Second is chocolate. Fruit is overrated.

20) I'm not scared of spiders but ticks creep me out big time.

19) I first made out in the Safety Patrol room in 6th grade. I think we were studying about safe sex at the time in health. (Get it?)

18) I first dunked a basketball when I was a 5'10 11th grader.

17) I always have wished I was left handed. I try to do as many things that way like putt, play hockey, and shoot a bow and arrow among other things.

16) I went to Wrestlemania 17. Better than any concert I have ever been to.

15) My favorite meal has always been homemade Macaroni and cheese with blueberry muffins. I might need to add enchiladas as a side now.

14) Caramel Delights are the best Girl Scout cookie. I will not argue about this.

13) When I was in 7th grade my football, basketball, and baseball team all came in dead last.

12) My favorite arcade game is Track & Field. I once got demolished by an 85 year old man at the mall with one hand.

11) I never drank alcohol until I was 22 years old.

10) I always am attracted to girls with shorter hair (shoulder length and up - not man hair).

9) I'm pretty sure I'm the greatest JamBall player of all time. I once got banned from goals around town even though I was 6 foot tall and 165.

8) The best job I ever had was being a Counselor at Camp Ozark for 4 years. Nothing can replace those summers, friends and memories I made there.

7) One of the biggest regrets I have in life is not seeing Braveheart in the theater.

6) I only talk on the phone with my left hand in my left ear.

5) I have ridden 90% of the greatest roller coasters on earth. I'm what you may call an expert on the subject.

4) If I could have video footage of one moment in my life, it would be when I owned the stage at LaBoom in Cancun.

3) The only physical trait I ever get complemented on is my eyes or eyelashes. Apparently big, pale guts get no love.

2) One of my biggest accomplishments in life is coordinating our crew in the talent show in 1985 when I first rapped and we breakdanced. In fact, I'm pretty sure my life peaked right around this time. I'm not even kidding.

1) I taught myself to DJ when I was 19 by watching videos on MTV since I loved music and can't play one instrument. I'm pretty sure I tried to scratch when I was in elementary school and killed my mom's turntable that came in a suitcase. I still love it.